Avoiding responsibility

An awesome psychologist who has extensive experience with abusive people listed the four ways in which abusers avoid taking responsibility for their actions. These same excuses are also used by teens, and in light of my previous post, I list them here:

1. Denial (I didn't do it)
2. Distortion (it didn't happen that way)
3. Minimalization (it wasn't as bad as that)
4. Blame others (she made me angry, I'm stressed because of my teachers)

I also think of this list when accused sexual predators speak out in the media. I automatically find the corresponding item on this list (what you saw when you walked into the bathroom wasn't what you think you saw [item 2], I was just playing around with this really young boy [item 3]). I find that things become much more transparent this way.

Looking back at the years of subtle and not-so-subtle abuse I suffered from F1's father, I can place his reaction under one of those four excuses. Number three was the most common in court. "It wasn't as bad as she says it was, I just touched her on the cheek, I didn't bite her." "It was just a gentle nudge, not a kick." "It really wasn't such a big deal, she's exaggerating." I've also heard number four in some variety or the other "Judge, this is part of our culture, men in our country are the head of the household and need to take control to guide their family. If I didn't I wouldn't love my family." That one in particular, made me want to puke. BS if there ever was. Beating up on your family is a fabulous way to show them how much you care . Or how about: "She made me angry. If I wasn't so angry, I would never have touched her."

Over the years I have received several pleas to "just get along as friends." I've always responded that there can never be any form of reconciliation if he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. I've once received an email stating "I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I've done to you." Sorry, doesn't cut it.  Taking responsibility means something like: "I realize now that I have a habit of wanting to control everything you do or say, and that I do this by physical coercion among other methods. I now know this is wrong, and I'm taking steps to prevent this from occurring again." Not that such a statement would be enough, but it might be a start. However, from every communication I've gotten so far, he still doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong.

I have a list of these excuses on the fridge, and every time F1 uses one of them, I point it out to him. I know he despises me psychoanalyzing him. The point I'm trying to make, however, is the following:
I've heard it all before, you're excuses are so predictable, so transparent. Take responsibility for your actions. If you don't, you can not make better choices.

Parenting challenges

Today I'm a little down, so I return to this blog to find comfort, if nothing else. Blogging has never failed me yet. Parenting a teenager. Who'd have thought it would be so challenging? Certainly not me. I wasn't exactly a model kid growing up, I didn't expect it to be easy. But I have to say, I cannot relate to my 15-year old. He lives in a world I'm unfamiliar with, and is subjected to peer pressure I can't even begin to imagine. I suppose that I never was exposed to the kind of temptations he looks in the eye on a daily basis, and therefore I never had to make the kind of choices I'm asking him to make today.

Somehow I always thought that if I modeled good choices, good choices would follow. Sadly, that's not the case. It appears that F1 is determined to break as many rules as humanly possible, and if he gets grounded as a result, he escapes the house, to break them again, just for good measure. His less then stellar behavior has resulted in him not making the basketball team this year. Basketball is the only thing he's ever cared enough to make sacrifices for. No basketball... major mayhem.

I get it. He's one angry little boy somewhere inside. He's mad I divorced his father, he was too small at the time of separation to remember the physical and emotional abuse. I suppose his lack of memories is one thing to be thankful for, but it comes at a high price. Almost 3 years ago his father announced he was leaving the country, and F1 feels abandoned. As well he should. Be all accounts he was abandoned by that parent. It's an explanation for the way his downward spiral has escalated, but it's not an excuse.

He has a mother who loves him more than words can express, and who feels that nothing she does makes a difference. He has a step-father whose financed all the legal battles, and sacrificed his career for us to be together as a family.

I have driven him to school, sports activities, dance class, birthday parties, you name it. I've volunteered at school, at the concession stand for basketball games. I've read him stories, taken him out to dinner, and for mom-and-son ice-cream, I helped him with online math class because he failed the in-class version. And don't even get me started about the fact that I seem to inspire numerous students in the lab, I infect them with the science bug, while F1 is the king of mediocrity. "What's wrong with a D mom?" And science? "I don't care about science!" I even tried the sexist route! Me! Makita! I told him that back in my country, in my time, he would have been expected to do well in math, after all, he's a boy! "Mom, this is the 21st century. We don't care about that stuff now."

I have tried to let him set his own goals, he failed. I have tried to set higher goals, he failed miserably. I have tried to little manageable goals, no go. I have tried talking, having other parents talk to him, therapy ($125 dollars per visit, twice a month, for 11 years). I have tried hugs, and talks, yelling, and encouragement.

I know that I'm just doing what a parent is supposed to do. I don't expect him to fall on his knees and thank me, thank us. Simply staying within the boundaries of the law, an occasional chore around the house, and possible a halfway decent GPA will do, thank you very much.


Makita is running out of ideas. Makita is tired.

Steve Jobs

iSad

Fragile

Yesterday, my neighbor died in a fiery crash. I didn't know him well, but I met him and his young son sometimes at the mailbox. And I often waved as he went for walks with his family, or when he was mowing the lawn.

Anonymity

One of the reasons that I'm not writing as much of late is that I've been wondering about where to take this blog (if anywhere). I want to say more about what I'm doing, especially with respect to science, but that does take away any hope of staying (relatively) anonymous.

For a number of complicated reasons, I was uncomfortable revealing more about my identity, but some of those reasons are gradually going away. This is good news!!! At the same time, I have blogged about some fairly intimate stuff in the past..... I would to hate to feel limited by what I can write, by worrying about who might read it.

At any rate, it looks like, I may do some cleaning up of old posts, and lift the veil slightly. More and more over time, maybe. And blog more. Since that's what it's always been about. The saga of my house is a start.

Makita's Soap opera: House Renovation Projects. Pilot episode

If you read my biographical blurb, you might have thought I was exagerating the carpenter and electrician parts of it. In a few posts, I'm about to provide some more detail. It all started about 5 years ago when we purchased the house.

The house was in decent livable shape when we bought. We liked the neighborhood, the backyard. Not so much the kitchen, and the fans weren't exactly to our taste either, but all that seemed minor. We got a few hundred dollars credit for the old range, and we moved in.

Before you knew I was changing fans. In almost every room. And adding track lights, because we wanted more lights. The previous owners had converted a 2-car garage into a large party room, with a large animal painted on the wall, the mascot of the local football team. We love parties and all, but were unlikely to use the room for that purpose. We sort of divided it up in two part using furniture. A couch, some bookcases, a child safety gate. That didn't work out so well, the kids were crawling over the couch, the bookcases were great fun to stand on, and the gate was a total joke. It also looked very messy, disorganized. Something had to be done.

Then a year later, my husband came up with the idea to put up a wall, and make a proper room at one end, the kids could continue to use the other half as play area. He then came up with the brilliant idea to make it into a bedroom for the oldest who was 11 at the time.

What to do? Hire a contractor? We couldn't afford that. Do it ourselves? I dunno, seemed like a really big job. A friend then volunteered help from her mother and father-in-law. Really, really nice of her. And her mother and father-in-law. I also went on the internet and googled: "how to build an interior wall".

So, one day, I stepped into the room, cleared the space in the center, drew a line down the middle on the carpet with a permanent marker, took out my trusty utility knife, and cut! This is the point of no return!

Proloquo2Go update

I probably sound like a broken record, but I can hardly believe it's been so long since I've posted an update on our use of the communication software for iPod and iPad Proloquo2Go. I posted a response a while ago on this blogpost by Sam Flatow.

I wanted to elaborate here. Instead of responding to his (not entirely invalid) criticism on spending a arguably very large sum of money on iPads for kids, I wanted to tell more about how this has changed our live. And has it ever.

First off, we knew that the iPad was going to treated less than gently, so we invested in an Otterbox. It adds considerable bulk and some weight to the iPad, but it creates a rubber bumper around it and most importantly it's screen, and the iPad has survived all the very real challenges it faced, as listed in my comment on Sam Flatow's piece. I probably even forget some of the horrible abuse this intricate technological device has suffered over the months. In my response I forgot to add that I also got a film to cover the screen to protect it, it does not interfere with the otterbox, and so far, not a scratch.

But aside from it's surprising physical sturdiness, it has opened up a world of communication for my son he can take wherever he goes, and it's been an inspiration, and a source of hope. No exaggerations.

I wasn't kidding when I stated in my response that F2 had figured out how to work the iPad in 5 minutes. Granted, he's always been fairly visually driven, and his speech therapists have been working very hard with him to communicate with pictures for years. But still. He looked at it. Turned it around a few times, tried to take a bite off the edge, curiously touched one of the pictures on the screen, and off he went. Because we figure there always needed to be a functional iPad around, we got 2, and named them "Mork" and "Mindy."

About 3 weeks later we had gone to lunch with him, and he'd been playing around with Mork and Mindy without us knowing exactly what he was doing. When lunch arrived I tried to take it away, so he could eat, and suddenly Mork says "Why did you do that? I want Blue's Clues please." It was jarring to say the least. Needless to say I immediately gave Mork back, and retreated to my side of the boot.

When F1-3 was ill a while ago, and throwing up, he came over several times to say "Brush my teeth." He asks for "drink, flavored water," "Blue's Clues," "Face," (a character on Nickolodeon, "use the computer," "something to eat, breakfast, cereal." I mean, it's awesome. He's communicated 10 times more in the past 6 months, than he has his entire life before that. I can go on and on, but we learn new things every day, and we're not even trying very hard. For us, the iPad's been a lifesaver. It has greatly enhanced the quality of his life. It's fun, it encourages learning, and it's very intuitive. And even though he may be a special case, because of his communication issues, but I think the reason it works for him, applies to most kids.

Edit: Not quite the same arguments as mine, but there is at least one other person who thinks iPads are great for kids.

Quote

On ScienceFriday (February 18, 2011)

Nina Federoff:
“You know the biggest problem is that those of us who love science and who do it as a way of life are most persuaded by something we call the weight of the evidence. But for somebody who [..] doesn’t have a science background, sometimes they think this is just another point of view. It’s very had to bridge that gap.”

Ira Flatow:
“[..] science is increasingly just becoming a matter of opinion”

NF: “Yes, and frankly it isn’t. And how you communicate the notion that after a certain point the countervailing opinion doesn’t matter is a real challenge to all of us scientists.”

So who is responsible?

Aha!! I have a reason to write a blog post!! Are you sitting down? Do you have a fire extinguisher ready?

On the news I heard that a child pornographer had been caught. Good news, right? But wait.... the sheriff of the county in question explains how to limit incidences of child pornography. He explains that it's really important for children to live in close-knit, loving, caring families, so that they have no reason to seek close relationships with strangers such a pornographers.

I suppose the kids were to blame all along! They forced themselves onto the pornographer, and the poor soul simply did what came naturally to him.

Twice. I heard this report twice on the radio. I'm still fuming. I may never calm down again.

Cuttlefish strikes again

The Digital Cuttlefish is right. Again. And he has an even harder job than I do, since I don't (even try to) rhyme. There are lots of ideas for post, but it's often hard to find the energy. I'm not ready to give up though!

528

Yesterday afternoon I happened to glance at my car's display around 5:28 pm, and noticed that I had driven 452.8 miles on the current tank of gas at an average fuel economy of 52.8 mpg.

Proloquo2go

Proloquo2Go will soon be the latest rage in Makita's household.

F1-2 is totally, entirely non-verbal, which isn't exactly easy. Not being able to speak is not the same as not having anything to say.

F1-2 (like his parents) is often frustrated when he clearly has something to say, and we don't understand him. A few things have recently come together to allow us to take a gigantic leap in our interaction with him.

1. Since the Summer of 2009, F1-2 has discovered the wonderful world of computing, and he's quite good at it. We have a Netflix account and he can navigate to his favorite episodes of Blue's Clues (still his favorite, 8 years and counting). More than that, even with his limited fine motor skills he can navigate to his favorite part of each episode with remarkable ease. We've been looking for ways to use his skills in innovative ways, but never found anything that was quite right.

2. We started using a picture-based system called PECS to communicate with F1-2. It was a great idea, but there were some snags in the implementation. When we started our youngest, F1-3, thought there was nothing funnier than hiding the pictures that were attached to a board on the wall with Velcro. Later on, F1-2 caused problems himself.

When he wanted to use the computer, he would hide all the pictures except the one for "computer".

Of course, the pictures got crumbled, sucked on, lost, flushed down the toilet, you name it. And when the pictures aren't available the whole communication system just falls apart.

On the good side, F1-2 would very quickly pick up on the meaning of newly introduced pictures. We were running out of space, there were too many pictures. And we couldn't get very specific with the pictures either. We only had enough room for "drink", but couldn't ask "water" or "juice". We couldn't keep up with his increasing "vocabulary. This is a good thing.

3. The makers of Proloquo developed a portable version called Proloquo2Go to be used with the iPod Touch. Within a few months it was a big, big hit, being used for many children with communication issues. Extremely portable, lots and lots of pictures were possible, a huge leap. Not perfect though. The screen is small, so it's sometimes hard for children with fine motor skill issues (such as F1-2). Also, the volume isn't quite high enough to allow the iPod to "speak" for the child.

4. Apple came out with the iPad.Wow! It's a humongous iPod. Large screen, much louder, still very portable. Amazing!

So, a training, and several hundred dollars lighter, we're expecting an iPad and a couple of iPods next week. The iPad is mainly for use at home, the iPod for on the road. The Otterbox has been ordered to prevent major damage to the iPad. You wouldn't believe how excited I am, and how much I'm looking forward to hear what F1-2 has to say.

A meme!

It's time for a meme! I can't remember the last time I did one, so it's definitely time. I saw this one on Academic Ecology this morning, so let me get started:

1. What is your favorite word? Love
2. What is your least favorite word? Hate
3. What turns you on? Humor. Nothing more sexy than a funny guy (hi P1!!)
4. What turns you off? Lies. Ugh, the mere thought of a lie makes me shiver.
5. What is your favorite curse word? Crap.
6. What sound or noise do you love? Happy sounds. F1-3 singing in the bath tub, my husband talking on and on at night while we're lying in bed, it really doesn't matter what he's talking about, as long as I can hear his voice. F1-1 playing basketball in the driveway, F1-2 surfing the web and finding Blue's Clues.
7. What sound or noise do you hate? Gunfire (on tv, I don't get to hear it for real), or any sound of violence.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Astrobiology.
9. What profession would you not like to try? Stay-at-home mom. I have nothing but the highest respect for the moms that do that, but I would go berserk.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "What the heck are you doing here?"

Update on Makita's life

I haven't been posting much lately. Things have generally been going well, so there isn't much to complain about. Exceptions:

1. Our beloved cat had to be euthanized last week. A big hit for the entire family, she was a fairly young (6 years) kitty and she was a valuable member of our household. We're all devastated.

2. My plans to get the new Leaf feel through when my 12-year old car developed problems that would require large sums of money to fix. Unwilling to invest any more into the old car, I had to get another one, and I just couldn't wait for the Leaf. I did decide to lease the new car, so in 3 years I'll be back on the car market, and by that time the Leaf will be in it's 2nd generation or so.

3. F1-1 who is particularly saddened by the demise of our kitty has taken his apathy to new lows, and is struggling to keep his grades up. No amount of positive or negative incentives have worked so far. We'll keep on dragging on, but it gets tiring.

4. My marriage to P1 is going through a bit of a low spot right now. Nothing serious. We're just over-worked, don't get to spend enough time together, always have kids around, you know the drill. We'll be ok, I'm sure, we go through ups and downs like any other couple, but right now, we're definitely in a down. The reason I think we'll be ok is that we genuinely are crazy about each other, and we see eye-to-eye on the most important things. The reason we struggle sometimes is that we're both incredibly stubborn, and a bit self-righteous, so when we do disagree on something, it poses some problems.

There is also some good news. My temporary (3-year) car isn't exactly horrible. I'm driving a brand-new 2010 Prius, and it's fa.bu.lous. What a pleasure to drive, what clever, modern design, what great gas mileage. I can go on and on, but you get the idea.

In more good news, it looks like my boss managed to secure funding for me for another 2 years, starting in January. Yeah! I love working here, so I've turned down two other job offers with better benefits to stay here. I'm so happy I stuck around. It's not cast in stone yet, but it's looking pretty good right now.

Edit: More good news, I almost forgot! Since about mid-Summer I've been trying to lose some weight. Simply eating a little better, and switching one meal a day to cereal (usually something oat-based) with fruit, I lost a whopping 18 lbs! I still have the same breakfast as always, I eat whatever I would normally eat for either lunch or dinner, and switch the other one to a modest oat-meal based meal. Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans that I couldn't fit in for the past few years. Not bad, eh?

The sound of science

HT to Brandon

WTF?

A postdoc (PD) in our lab was using another lab to do a particular technique that we're not well-equipped for. Such lab-sharing is not uncommon. PD asked a postdoc (SH) in the other lab to point out the location of the hazardous waste container. SH asked if s/he would be made co-author on the paper if s/he did so. PD stared at SH, turned around and returned to our lab.

I had worked briefly with SH in a lab some years ago, so PD asked me if SH is a very funny person. The answer was no, SH definitely did not strike me as funny. PD told me what had happened and asked again, if this was simply a display of dry humor. I again told her I didn't think so.

PD went to the SH's boss to ask the same questions. The boss apologized for SH's behavior. Apparently SH is been having some trouble getting data published lately. I understand that SH is desperate, but authorship to point out the waste container? That's got to be some kind of record.

Conversations in the lab

One of the post-docs in our lab says to our boss:

"I'm going to be in this other lab around the corner. I'm going to fix my tissue"

The boss (never missing a beat): "Why? Is it broken?"

Drool

Next month, I will have my current car for 12 years. And my beloved little car is sure showing it's age. It's become very obvious that her days are numbered. We just bought a car last year, so we're not looking forward to do it again any time soon. Sadly, the choice may not be up to us. I've been very, very happy with my '98 Nissan Sentra. It's been reliable, low cost, a true pleasure to drive, so much so in fact, that we bought another one last year. We did look at other cars, however our experience with the sentra was the eventual clincher. Perhaps we've been infected with the brand loyalty bug, because I got really excited when I found out a while ago that Nissan is bringing an all-electric car on the market at the end of the year (in my area more like Spring next year). Meet the Leaf.

It'll go about 100 miles per charge, which is plenty for me, even allowing for lower efficiency because I'm hauling kids and cargo around. I've been drooling for weeks now.

There are some obvious drawbacks:
1. Although you can charge it on a regular 120V outlet, it'll take so long for a full charge (20 hours), that at least initially, Nissan will only sell the car to those who have installed a dedicated 240V charging station at their home. This will cost about $2000.

2. Even though it was designed for the general consumer market, it's still expensive for me, at a starting price of about $32k. Add tax, title and insurance, and.... ouch! There are supposed to be federal incentives, but for now those only extend to the end of 2010, no longer valid by the time I can get one.

3. I guess I'm still a little squeemish about the idea of not having a gas-backup. I'm totally aware of that fear being irrational. I'm never worried when I leave the house in my current car, that it'll run out. And I wouldn't have to make a detour to go to a gas station, my "gas station" would be at home.

4. My town isn't large enough I suspect, to invest on a large scale in charging infrastructure. Since I'd charging at home, this isn't too much of a problem, but still.

5. This doesn't have anything to do with the Leaf, but a major drawback is that my car might not last until next Spring. That's 9 months away! I'll consider myself lucky if my car goes for another 9 weeks. Wait, make that 9 days!

Check it out! I reserved my Leaf:

However, instead of the blue one pictured, I want the snazzy red one:

Gotta brag

Did I mention I *heart* my boss? He went to TAM8 this past weekend and brought me back a present. I'll be up all night reading. Are you jealous yet?

Believe in an afterlife?

Late night tv commercial:
...if you've taken this or that medication and you've experienced one of the following: symptom1, symptom2, symptom3, or sudden death, please call the number on your screen.