Avoiding responsibility

An awesome psychologist who has extensive experience with abusive people listed the four ways in which abusers avoid taking responsibility for their actions. These same excuses are also used by teens, and in light of my previous post, I list them here:

1. Denial (I didn't do it)
2. Distortion (it didn't happen that way)
3. Minimalization (it wasn't as bad as that)
4. Blame others (she made me angry, I'm stressed because of my teachers)

I also think of this list when accused sexual predators speak out in the media. I automatically find the corresponding item on this list (what you saw when you walked into the bathroom wasn't what you think you saw [item 2], I was just playing around with this really young boy [item 3]). I find that things become much more transparent this way.

Looking back at the years of subtle and not-so-subtle abuse I suffered from F1's father, I can place his reaction under one of those four excuses. Number three was the most common in court. "It wasn't as bad as she says it was, I just touched her on the cheek, I didn't bite her." "It was just a gentle nudge, not a kick." "It really wasn't such a big deal, she's exaggerating." I've also heard number four in some variety or the other "Judge, this is part of our culture, men in our country are the head of the household and need to take control to guide their family. If I didn't I wouldn't love my family." That one in particular, made me want to puke. BS if there ever was. Beating up on your family is a fabulous way to show them how much you care . Or how about: "She made me angry. If I wasn't so angry, I would never have touched her."

Over the years I have received several pleas to "just get along as friends." I've always responded that there can never be any form of reconciliation if he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. I've once received an email stating "I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I've done to you." Sorry, doesn't cut it.  Taking responsibility means something like: "I realize now that I have a habit of wanting to control everything you do or say, and that I do this by physical coercion among other methods. I now know this is wrong, and I'm taking steps to prevent this from occurring again." Not that such a statement would be enough, but it might be a start. However, from every communication I've gotten so far, he still doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong.

I have a list of these excuses on the fridge, and every time F1 uses one of them, I point it out to him. I know he despises me psychoanalyzing him. The point I'm trying to make, however, is the following:
I've heard it all before, you're excuses are so predictable, so transparent. Take responsibility for your actions. If you don't, you can not make better choices.

Parenting challenges

Today I'm a little down, so I return to this blog to find comfort, if nothing else. Blogging has never failed me yet. Parenting a teenager. Who'd have thought it would be so challenging? Certainly not me. I wasn't exactly a model kid growing up, I didn't expect it to be easy. But I have to say, I cannot relate to my 15-year old. He lives in a world I'm unfamiliar with, and is subjected to peer pressure I can't even begin to imagine. I suppose that I never was exposed to the kind of temptations he looks in the eye on a daily basis, and therefore I never had to make the kind of choices I'm asking him to make today.

Somehow I always thought that if I modeled good choices, good choices would follow. Sadly, that's not the case. It appears that F1 is determined to break as many rules as humanly possible, and if he gets grounded as a result, he escapes the house, to break them again, just for good measure. His less then stellar behavior has resulted in him not making the basketball team this year. Basketball is the only thing he's ever cared enough to make sacrifices for. No basketball... major mayhem.

I get it. He's one angry little boy somewhere inside. He's mad I divorced his father, he was too small at the time of separation to remember the physical and emotional abuse. I suppose his lack of memories is one thing to be thankful for, but it comes at a high price. Almost 3 years ago his father announced he was leaving the country, and F1 feels abandoned. As well he should. Be all accounts he was abandoned by that parent. It's an explanation for the way his downward spiral has escalated, but it's not an excuse.

He has a mother who loves him more than words can express, and who feels that nothing she does makes a difference. He has a step-father whose financed all the legal battles, and sacrificed his career for us to be together as a family.

I have driven him to school, sports activities, dance class, birthday parties, you name it. I've volunteered at school, at the concession stand for basketball games. I've read him stories, taken him out to dinner, and for mom-and-son ice-cream, I helped him with online math class because he failed the in-class version. And don't even get me started about the fact that I seem to inspire numerous students in the lab, I infect them with the science bug, while F1 is the king of mediocrity. "What's wrong with a D mom?" And science? "I don't care about science!" I even tried the sexist route! Me! Makita! I told him that back in my country, in my time, he would have been expected to do well in math, after all, he's a boy! "Mom, this is the 21st century. We don't care about that stuff now."

I have tried to let him set his own goals, he failed. I have tried to set higher goals, he failed miserably. I have tried to little manageable goals, no go. I have tried talking, having other parents talk to him, therapy ($125 dollars per visit, twice a month, for 11 years). I have tried hugs, and talks, yelling, and encouragement.

I know that I'm just doing what a parent is supposed to do. I don't expect him to fall on his knees and thank me, thank us. Simply staying within the boundaries of the law, an occasional chore around the house, and possible a halfway decent GPA will do, thank you very much.


Makita is running out of ideas. Makita is tired.

Proloquo2Go update

I probably sound like a broken record, but I can hardly believe it's been so long since I've posted an update on our use of the communication software for iPod and iPad Proloquo2Go. I posted a response a while ago on this blogpost by Sam Flatow.

I wanted to elaborate here. Instead of responding to his (not entirely invalid) criticism on spending a arguably very large sum of money on iPads for kids, I wanted to tell more about how this has changed our live. And has it ever.

First off, we knew that the iPad was going to treated less than gently, so we invested in an Otterbox. It adds considerable bulk and some weight to the iPad, but it creates a rubber bumper around it and most importantly it's screen, and the iPad has survived all the very real challenges it faced, as listed in my comment on Sam Flatow's piece. I probably even forget some of the horrible abuse this intricate technological device has suffered over the months. In my response I forgot to add that I also got a film to cover the screen to protect it, it does not interfere with the otterbox, and so far, not a scratch.

But aside from it's surprising physical sturdiness, it has opened up a world of communication for my son he can take wherever he goes, and it's been an inspiration, and a source of hope. No exaggerations.

I wasn't kidding when I stated in my response that F2 had figured out how to work the iPad in 5 minutes. Granted, he's always been fairly visually driven, and his speech therapists have been working very hard with him to communicate with pictures for years. But still. He looked at it. Turned it around a few times, tried to take a bite off the edge, curiously touched one of the pictures on the screen, and off he went. Because we figure there always needed to be a functional iPad around, we got 2, and named them "Mork" and "Mindy."

About 3 weeks later we had gone to lunch with him, and he'd been playing around with Mork and Mindy without us knowing exactly what he was doing. When lunch arrived I tried to take it away, so he could eat, and suddenly Mork says "Why did you do that? I want Blue's Clues please." It was jarring to say the least. Needless to say I immediately gave Mork back, and retreated to my side of the boot.

When F1-3 was ill a while ago, and throwing up, he came over several times to say "Brush my teeth." He asks for "drink, flavored water," "Blue's Clues," "Face," (a character on Nickolodeon, "use the computer," "something to eat, breakfast, cereal." I mean, it's awesome. He's communicated 10 times more in the past 6 months, than he has his entire life before that. I can go on and on, but we learn new things every day, and we're not even trying very hard. For us, the iPad's been a lifesaver. It has greatly enhanced the quality of his life. It's fun, it encourages learning, and it's very intuitive. And even though he may be a special case, because of his communication issues, but I think the reason it works for him, applies to most kids.

Edit: Not quite the same arguments as mine, but there is at least one other person who thinks iPads are great for kids.

Proloquo2go

Proloquo2Go will soon be the latest rage in Makita's household.

F1-2 is totally, entirely non-verbal, which isn't exactly easy. Not being able to speak is not the same as not having anything to say.

F1-2 (like his parents) is often frustrated when he clearly has something to say, and we don't understand him. A few things have recently come together to allow us to take a gigantic leap in our interaction with him.

1. Since the Summer of 2009, F1-2 has discovered the wonderful world of computing, and he's quite good at it. We have a Netflix account and he can navigate to his favorite episodes of Blue's Clues (still his favorite, 8 years and counting). More than that, even with his limited fine motor skills he can navigate to his favorite part of each episode with remarkable ease. We've been looking for ways to use his skills in innovative ways, but never found anything that was quite right.

2. We started using a picture-based system called PECS to communicate with F1-2. It was a great idea, but there were some snags in the implementation. When we started our youngest, F1-3, thought there was nothing funnier than hiding the pictures that were attached to a board on the wall with Velcro. Later on, F1-2 caused problems himself.

When he wanted to use the computer, he would hide all the pictures except the one for "computer".

Of course, the pictures got crumbled, sucked on, lost, flushed down the toilet, you name it. And when the pictures aren't available the whole communication system just falls apart.

On the good side, F1-2 would very quickly pick up on the meaning of newly introduced pictures. We were running out of space, there were too many pictures. And we couldn't get very specific with the pictures either. We only had enough room for "drink", but couldn't ask "water" or "juice". We couldn't keep up with his increasing "vocabulary. This is a good thing.

3. The makers of Proloquo developed a portable version called Proloquo2Go to be used with the iPod Touch. Within a few months it was a big, big hit, being used for many children with communication issues. Extremely portable, lots and lots of pictures were possible, a huge leap. Not perfect though. The screen is small, so it's sometimes hard for children with fine motor skill issues (such as F1-2). Also, the volume isn't quite high enough to allow the iPod to "speak" for the child.

4. Apple came out with the iPad.Wow! It's a humongous iPod. Large screen, much louder, still very portable. Amazing!

So, a training, and several hundred dollars lighter, we're expecting an iPad and a couple of iPods next week. The iPad is mainly for use at home, the iPod for on the road. The Otterbox has been ordered to prevent major damage to the iPad. You wouldn't believe how excited I am, and how much I'm looking forward to hear what F1-2 has to say.

Update on Makita's life

I haven't been posting much lately. Things have generally been going well, so there isn't much to complain about. Exceptions:

1. Our beloved cat had to be euthanized last week. A big hit for the entire family, she was a fairly young (6 years) kitty and she was a valuable member of our household. We're all devastated.

2. My plans to get the new Leaf feel through when my 12-year old car developed problems that would require large sums of money to fix. Unwilling to invest any more into the old car, I had to get another one, and I just couldn't wait for the Leaf. I did decide to lease the new car, so in 3 years I'll be back on the car market, and by that time the Leaf will be in it's 2nd generation or so.

3. F1-1 who is particularly saddened by the demise of our kitty has taken his apathy to new lows, and is struggling to keep his grades up. No amount of positive or negative incentives have worked so far. We'll keep on dragging on, but it gets tiring.

4. My marriage to P1 is going through a bit of a low spot right now. Nothing serious. We're just over-worked, don't get to spend enough time together, always have kids around, you know the drill. We'll be ok, I'm sure, we go through ups and downs like any other couple, but right now, we're definitely in a down. The reason I think we'll be ok is that we genuinely are crazy about each other, and we see eye-to-eye on the most important things. The reason we struggle sometimes is that we're both incredibly stubborn, and a bit self-righteous, so when we do disagree on something, it poses some problems.

There is also some good news. My temporary (3-year) car isn't exactly horrible. I'm driving a brand-new 2010 Prius, and it's fa.bu.lous. What a pleasure to drive, what clever, modern design, what great gas mileage. I can go on and on, but you get the idea.

In more good news, it looks like my boss managed to secure funding for me for another 2 years, starting in January. Yeah! I love working here, so I've turned down two other job offers with better benefits to stay here. I'm so happy I stuck around. It's not cast in stone yet, but it's looking pretty good right now.

Edit: More good news, I almost forgot! Since about mid-Summer I've been trying to lose some weight. Simply eating a little better, and switching one meal a day to cereal (usually something oat-based) with fruit, I lost a whopping 18 lbs! I still have the same breakfast as always, I eat whatever I would normally eat for either lunch or dinner, and switch the other one to a modest oat-meal based meal. Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans that I couldn't fit in for the past few years. Not bad, eh?

There's a lot more going on in there than we know

My son, F1-2, has special needs. He is completely non-verbal, he makes some sounds, but if they mean anything in particular, I don't understand his language. Over the past year or so he's made tremendous progress in communication by using pictures. Specifically, the PECS system of communication. We have a board with velcro strips on the wall, and the pictures stick to the board. If he wants anything, he gets the appropriate picture and hands it to us. We started out with 1, then 2, and gradually worked our way up to about 8 pictures.

A few months ago he also learned how to open a web browser, and navigate his favorite tv show on Netflix. So it was time to add an additional picture to the board, a computer. By the end of the first day, it was by far his favorite picture. We didn't really have to teach him that one.

A few weeks ago, all of his pictures suddenly disappeared. It was hard to communicate with him without the pictures. I finally found them in a stack underneath the couch. I thought he might have slid them in the crack between the wall and the couch, but why would he do that? Maybe it was F1-3? She's been known to pull pranks. And so has F1-1.

I put all the pictures back on the board. Within a week they all disappeared again. All, except for "computer". Huh? Now I'm certain that he must have done it. He wasn't going to risk losing access to his computer, so he was careful to leave that one out. I still haven't found the pictures. There really is more going on in his little head than we give him credit for. Sneaky little fellow.

On the playground

F1-3 talked about her day at "school" last week. School means daycare.

F1-3: We played at the swings today.
Makita: Oh. Was that fun?
F1-3: Yeah, we were pushing each other and talking and laughing.
Makita: What were you talking about?
F1-3: Joey was using potty-words. That's not allowed in my school. But he was doing it anyway, and it was very funny. So we were laughing.

Typical. She's knows it's not allowed. But if it's funny, who's to stop her?

Some things never change

This post is part of the virtual baby shower for Sciencegirl . After 3 kids, one of which has special needs, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on kids. Of course, my kids go out of their way to prove how arrogant that is of me. They never fail to come up with something that makes me think: "now how do I deal with this!"

So, I guess that's the first thing I want to share with Sciencegirl. Kids have a mind of their own. They may resemble both parents, but they're very much individual people, even before they're born. Someone asked me once whether it isn't wonderful to have a little life to mold. You've got to be kidding me! They mold you and not the other way around. Having said that I found that my children bring out the best in me.

I also found that children have a personality before they're born. F1-2 was always a very quiet baby when I was pregnant, to the point that I was concerned, because he wasn't moving enough, and he is still my most docile kid.

A couple of weeks before the birth of my first baby, F1-1, we had a huge multi-course family dinner. Lots of fun! We were served the most yummy soup ever. The dining table was a little lower than normal, and my belly was resting against the bowl of soup. F1-1 had always been a little wild during my pregnancy, I didn't know any better, this was my first child, so I figured this must be normal. Suddenly F1-1 gave one of his huge kicks and the bowl tipped over. In my efforts to save the bowl, I spilled the soup all over the table.

Yep. he was a wild one, my F1-1. Some things never change.

I have 4 kids

I thought I had 3, F1-1, F1-2, and F1-3. But I stand corrected. This morning I was reading "Two Peas in a Pod" by Annegert Fuchshuber with F1-3. It's a cute book about animals that have 2, 3, or more babies. The beetle even had 51, and didn't even think it was too much. I then asked F1-3 how many children I had. She answered right away: "4."

Huh? Me: "How did you get 4, I thought I had 3 kids?"
F1-3: "No, you have me, F1-2, F1-1, and daddy."
Me: "But daddy is not my child, he's a grown-up."
F1-3: "But you call him 'baby'."
Me: "Oh, ok."

Going green

This morning as we're getting ready to leave the house.
F1-3: "You're a tree mama!
Mama: "Huh?"
F1-3: "You're a tree! Brown on the bottom, green on the top."
Lo and behold, I was wearing brown pants and a green sweater, indeed in rather earthy hues.
So there you go, going green.

Ongoing legal battles

After the judge ruled that F1-1 gets to live with us, his father left. Even though he could have had F1-1 accompany him for the better part of the remaining summer vacation if he had postponed his trip for a couple of weeks. We thought he might even come to negotiate some kind of arrangement, but he hasn't yet. I'm not complaining.

A few weeks after his departure, my attorney received notification that F1-1's father he filed a petition to rehear the case. In essence: "Your Honor. Can you set your previous ruling aside, so that we can start from scratch?" It was a little scary while we were waiting, but the judge responded in short order: "No."

It's unclear where we go from here. The order specifically said that both parents had to attend negotiations in person, but it did not specify in what time frame negotiations had to be completed. At what point do we stop waiting?

Meanwhile, I dread the day that I get the bill for legal service. Mind you, my attorney was amazing, and we got everything we could have possibly asked for on behalf of F1-1, but still. The thousands of dollars this is going to cost will take many years to pay off. I hope that he and his firm partners have patience.

Permission to make a mess

This evening's conversation at the time that F1-3 announces she's done in the bathtub.

Makita: Oh! Look at the mess you made. There is water all over the floor and a huge pile of toys. Why did you do that?

F1-3. I was doing science and that why it's a mess. I was doing science. This is how you do science.

Makita: Oh. Okay.

1-0 for the good guys

I haven't written anything for so long, because my life was focused on the legal battle. That's all I wanted to write about, and of course I couldn't.

Now that it's over (well, not quite, but largely), I can finally write. And guess what?

The good guys won! That is, F1-1 won. Because really, it wasn't between me and his father. I wasn't trying to accomplish what was best for me, I was trying to accomplish what was best for him. Both parties suggested parenting plans to the court, and the judge turned both down. My attorney and I tried to put together a proposal that would give ample time for F1-1 to spend with his father, and the judge ruled that it was too much, that it would require too much travel for F1-1, and therefor be too stressful. In the end the judge ruled exclusively from F1-1's point of view, and not the parents, which was what I didn't dare hope for.

F1-1's father is leaving. Going to another country. Permanently. He had his tickets purchased, his bags packed, and he was going to leave regardless of the court's order. Then he filed a petition with the court less than 2 months before his planned departure, asking the court to change which parent F1-1 lives with, and to take F1-1 with him. No one had any clue ahead of time that this was coming.

It was a painful process. We met in front of the judge. It became clear that I was at an extreme disadvantage without an attorney. It took some doing, but just before we were scheduled to appear before the judge again, I found an attorney willing to take the little bit of cash we had as a retainer. The parties were then referred to mediation. This is where both parties meet with their attorney's (if they have any) and a court-approved mediator to try and sort out the issues. They can reach a partial agreement on some issues, and take the remainder to the court to rule on.

At first it looked like an agreement could be reached if we went on a little longer. But after 8 hours of mediation, things fell apart, and we ended in an impasse. Even the few issues we had sort of reached agreement on in the meantime were at risk.

We gave the opposing party another week to come to some kind of agreement, but it didn't work out, and we had to go to court. It's involved, but it took two days of sitting in court, with witnesses, testimony, cross-examination, and re-direct. It was pure torture. Especially considering the fact that opposing party has the dementor-effect on me, I don't know how I lived to tell this tale.

The court gave a ruling with less than 48 hours to spare. Opposing party was leaving the country with or without F1-1, and was simply waiting for the court's answer. When it came, it was better than I could have hoped for. Apparently, my attempts to be conciliatory were not appreciated, and the court found that I was giving away what wasn't mine to give. That I was allowing F1-1's summer activities to be in jeopardy so he could spend more time with his father, that I was scheduling too much travel for him to be with his father.

The court ruled that no matter what else, F1-1 gets to stay here, were he has lived the vast majority of his life, that he get to participate fully in his favorite sports activities, and that he gets to travel with his friends every summer, and that visitation with his father takes a second seat to that.

It is not entirely over yet. Both parties have been ordered to attend another mediation session in person to decide remaining issues of visitation (keeping in mind the items mentioned above). Opposing party may have to travel back here to attend one of those, because he left as planned, and didn't even postpone his trip. That was a bit of a surprise to me, because if he had, we might have been able to come to some arrangement to allow F1-1 to spend the rest of the summer with him, and he would have been able to do as the court ordered. But he didn't. He left. Very interesting decision on his part. But I'm not complaining.

I can't really provide any more detail, especially since there's still things pending, but I can't begin to express how happy I am. We've won all the major issues, and then some. I was bracing for much, much worse, but it's all good.

Now back to your regular blogging schedule.

Science project

I only had a little input in F1-1's choice for a science project this year. He is going to do a project on photomorphogenesis. Because I have very little to do with the actual performing of the experiments, you probably shouldn't expect too much advanced biology here, but it's the principle of the matter that counts. He will take some boxes and grown plants with different colors of lights and assess their effect on plant development. It should at the very least result in some pretty cool pictures. Although I doubt he will end up in plant sciences, a solid founding in experimental design and the scientific approach will do him some good. As it would any other kid.

More talking

In an update on "talking", if we say to F1-3 "ma-ma-ma," which he is supposed to repeat back to us, he now consistently responds "eh-me-me." This is fantastic progress in two ways. He is actually trying to say "ma-ma," which is not trivial for him to do on command, but he the mimicry is something he has not been capable of before. We're so pleased. Just in time for his 7th birthday too! Woohoo!

Update

In the good news department, I'm love being a post-doc. It's really nice to do research and not have to worry about classes and such. More good news: A paper I submitted in December was accepted with some minor modifications. Not half bad. But wait! There's more! I'm submitting another paper today, and hopefully wrapping up the modifications to the first this weekend. And it doesn't stop there either. I'm also finishing up my first post-doc project and I'll be writing that paper in the next little while. I simply cannot be stopped.

On the not so good news department, The dementor (father of F1-1) served me with legal documents, asserting that whatever problems F1-1 is facing are entirely my fault, and therefore it would be in F1-1's best interest to go live with his father. In addition, his father ought to be the only person to make decisions about F1-1's medical care, education, and religion.

Yep, you read that right, he should decide the kid's religion. It's pretty clear he does not think F1-1 (who is 13 by the way), ought to have any say in the matter. It's not going to be pretty, and it will drag out for many moons. But such is life. I refuse to have my life turned upside down by the dementor. He can't possibly have any evidence to substantiate his allegations, because they're simply not true, but that does not make it a happy situation.

However, knowing me, I'll focus on the good stuff. Remember all those publications? And that I like my job.. a lot? That is determining my current state of mind, and I am positively jubilant!

Talking

Question: Ah-ah-ah?
Answer: Oh

It may seem silly to most people. Even parents. For the past few weeks, if I say to my 6-year old "ah-ah-ah" he consistently looks me in the eye and responds with "oh." That may not seem like much, but for my baby who is a week and a half short of 7 years old, it's huge. It's humongous. It's the closest thing to a miracle I've ever seen.

So when his speech therapist told me to switch to "ooh-ooh-ooh" and wait for a response of "eeee" (of course, after demonstrating this to him), I was sceptical but hopeful, considering that after months of practice he did latch on to the ah-ah-ah and oh sequence. But lo and behold, 2 days later, and every day since, he is consistently responding with "eeeee" if I "ask" him "oh-oh-oh." I'm left speechless. And I can assure you this doesn't happen very often. Being speechless that is. Not one of my problems.

A week after we started that sequence, the therapist is so pleased with his progress, that we're going for big now. I will say "ma-ma-ma" and I should teach him to say "da-da-da." The reverse will also be acceptable, which I prefer. We can't have F1-2 say "da-da" before he learns to say "ma-ma," right? He's got to be kidding me.

Think of the possibilities. If he can learn to say mama or dada, there are not enough words to describe how I would feel about that. I'm trying really, really hard not to get my hopes up too high, but I can hardly imagine a world in which F1-2 could really talk.

Ok, I've got to stop writing now. I'm at work, and it would be unacceptable for me to start bawling in the lab, and I feel the burning of tears behind my eyelids. There is real hope.

Reasons to believe in god

I forgot exactly when this happened, but it was quite a while ago, so I'm guessing F1-1 was about 5, maybe 6 years old. He started a conversation about god. He wondered why people believe in god. So I returned the question:

"Yes, F1-1. Why *do* people believe in god?"

He looked at me with a blank expression for a few moments before he responded, very sure of himself:
"Because some houses have flat roofs on them."
Several moments of silence.
Then I said: "You know, that is as good a reason as any other."

It still is the best I've come across so far.

How many more will now be protected?

This morning I brought F1-1 (the oldest, male) and F1-3 (the youngest, female) to the doctor, for their annual well-child checkup. They are both doing fine. The oldest is 15 percentile for weight, 75 percentile for height (tall and thin), while the youngest is 15 percentile for both (short and thin). But perfectly healthy.

I discussed my wishes with the doctor, and she agreed it would be a good idea to immunize the oldest (he's 12) with Gardasil. The nurse came in, looked at the two kids in the room and asked in a very surprised voice who the Gardasil was for.

You see, Gardasil is a vaccine that is recommended and FDA approved for girls 9 years and older. It prevent infection with certain strains of human papilloma virus (HPV) that can cause genital warts and cervical cancer. Boys don't have a cervix, so, they don't need the vaccine, right? But who spreads HPV? Isn't it the boys who go from one girl to the next who spread it? In my opinion, both sexes need to be immunized. By the, I think that prevention of genital warts is reason enough, but prevention of spread to girls who then become at risk for cervical cancer, makes it a no-brainer to me. By the way, it appears that the virus causes not only genital and rectal warts in men, but also penile cancer.

I explained this to my son, and he agreed that it would be a good idea. Frankly, in my opinion, my 12-year old is not even close to being ready for sex, but that can change in a short time-span, and I don't really expect he will come tell me when he is. But I do want him and his future partners to be protected.

I explained it to the nurse too, and understanding came over her like a wave crashing on the beach. She told me she has three sons, and she will have them immunized too. I wonder, how many girls will be protected from getting the virus from these 4 boys?

Needless to say, my insurance will not cover the shot, because it is recommended for girls only (whoever thought that one up? Way to go!). At $251 per shot, and 3 shots needed in a 6-month period, it is also rather expensive. Still, it needs to be done. And the powers that be had better realize quickly that to protect the population, both sexes need to be immunized. In my opinion, not immunizing both boys and girls is rather sexist.

The week

Passing my orals was the beginning of a very productive week for me. Rarely have I been that motivated. Sadly, my productivity was ground to a halt by one of our cars breaking down on the weekend. It didn't help matters that some of the kids are home on Spring Break. Our car is still in the shop and it's going to cost a whopping $1200 to get it fixed. Another care is out of question right now, so we have no choice but to throw good money at a not so good car, in the hope it will last us for at least another year. We've had a rental car now since Monday, which we can no longer afford. It has to go back tomorrow, but our car might not even be finished yet by then.

This should highlight one of the problems of being a mother and a graduate student. Because P1 makes more than I do, and he has a (semi) permanent job, he cannot afford to simply take off some time to hang out with the kids. That is exclusively my job. If the kids get sick, or they are home for any other reason, I'm the one that has to stay home with them. It's not that I mind hanging out with the kids, but it is always my research that has to take a back seat. And that is incredibly frustrating.

Posting is light as a result of an overdose of kids and car trouble right now. If all goes well though, we'll return to our regular scheduled program soon.