Going green

This morning as we're getting ready to leave the house.
F1-3: "You're a tree mama!
Mama: "Huh?"
F1-3: "You're a tree! Brown on the bottom, green on the top."
Lo and behold, I was wearing brown pants and a green sweater, indeed in rather earthy hues.
So there you go, going green.

Hopeless romantic?

This morning I was inspired by Cuttlefish. I suppose that makes me a hopeless romantic too. Oh well, so be it.

I met this guy when I joined a friend at a meeting of her favorite student organization. My divorce had just been finalized, as in: that morning. I wouldn't have noticed him if he had done a hundred cartwheels wearing a worn pink polka dot shirt.

Six months later we were at a party organized by the same student organization. He was standing next to someone else, halfway across the room. Our eyes locked, and we haven't been apart ever since. Going on 10 years now.

He insists that he did notice me the first time we met, and I wasn't wearing a pink polka dot shirt either. I just wasn't ready then. But I was half a year later. The rest is history.

To date, when I sit across from him, I still look for the twinkle in his eyes that did it for me. It's there. I just noticed it again yesterday.

Rooting for the bad guy

Graduating definitely has perks.
1. I have more free time, I can watch tv, or movies, or read, or hang out with kids, or... whatever.
2. I make (a little) more money), I can actually afford Netflix.

I've lately started watching some of their instantly available stuff, and it's good fun. I'm not much of a tv watcher. While I don't shy away from the tv, my repertoire is pretty limited to watching Jeopardy!, House and Numb3rs.

About a week ago I started at season 1, episode 1 of Dexter. A pretty daring concept if you ask me. The series definitely causes some (ok, I admit, even me) to root for the serial killer.

I heard (probably on NPR) recently someone quoted as saying something to the effect of "bad guys do what good guys only dream of doing." I suspect there is some truth to that. I don't buy into the idea that someone is inherently evil. I think people make choices. We may all have murderous intent sometimes, but what separates most from those who act on these feelings is the choice. We as a society (and as a species) have decided (quite intelligently, I might add) that killing another human being is not in the best interest for our collective survival. We raise our cubs, our horcruxes, our kids with those values and hope they stick. Most of the time they do, but sometimes things go wrong. As a society we've set up a system to deal with those who stray from the right path with the purpose of 1) removing a dangerous, destructive individual from our midst to prevent further calamities, 2) punishing said individual, and 3) creating a deterrent for others who might have the same murderous streak.

In setting up this system we have decided that it is more important that we never make a type I error (convicting someone who is innocent), and we therefore choose to increase the risk of a type II error (letting loose someone who is guilty). And so, at some frequency, simply as a result of our choice to err on the side of caution with respect to type I errors, the guilty walk.

In Dexter, the writers examine these cases. And Dexter has turned (helped by the man who adopted him) into a one-man jury, judge, and executioner. So, the show sets up this hierarchy of good, not-so-good, bad, really-bad, and really-really-bad people, and argues to the case of the bad and the really bad people taking out the really-really-bad people, because the good or not-so-good would never do such a thing (even though they might fantasize about it), and our error II prone system has a tendency of failing.

So, you find yourself silently rooting for the bad people, lament the naivete of the good people, and consider it a good thing that the really-really-bad-people. And of course, because it goes against the grain of the morals we've been raised with, we feel guilty for rooting for a serial killer. I find this contradiction fascinating, and keep on going back for another episode trying to analyze my reaction to the story, conscious of the instances where I'm rooting for the bad guy.

The scientist in me can't help but pick out the mistakes Dexter makes. Like wearing gloves inside the house where he captures his next victim, after having opened the door with his bare hands. I'm finding the show oddly addictive. I've watched 5 episodes so far, and as much as I try to stay away from it, when I find myself with an hour of spare time, I click around and move on to the next episode.

Even though killing is the theme throughout the series, I can honestly say that if you can stand a little blood it's not that bad. I really dislike violence, and I don't mind watching this. There is a very limited amount of fighting, shooting, and the like, it's all rather civilized and carefully executed. I wouldn't be surprised if there are those that say they can't stand to watch. However, I would wonder if it is because they can't stand to see themselves rooting for the bad guy.

Job offer

Did I mention that I love, love, love my job? If I didn't, I should have. I can hardly wait to get to work in the morning, and if it wasn't for the family, I'd have to be chased out at the end of the day.

Of, course, when you're not looking for it, you get all these job offers. I already declined a rather attractive job offer. It wasn't an easy decision. The week after I declined that offer, I received another one. The principal investigator (PI) who made the offer is relatively new to the department, and wanted a presence in the lab, to make sure the lab space wasn't lost because of lack of use. The research subject wasn't quite my thing, and I didn't think it fair to accept the job for three reasons:

1. Being a new faculty member, the PI really needed a post-doc who could get results soon. Since it wasn't my exact field of expertise, I would face too steep a learning curve to satisfy those requirements.
2. I can't guarantee being in the lab early in the morning to late afternoon. With 3 kids, at some frequency I'm going to be called out for picking up children that are ill, and I'll have to stay home with them until they get better. I wasn't about to make promises I knew for a fact I couldn't keep.
3. Points 1 and 2 would end up disappointing the PI who I like and respect.

So,I declined. Again, it wasn't easy. After benefits, the job would have paid $11,000 more than what I currently make. That's not insignificant, and I've wondered whether I made the right decision ever since.

Meanwhile the PI hired someone else, and has been wondering the same thing, whether the right decision was made. I suppose I'm a known evil, compared to the unknown evil of the incoming post-doc. Now the PI seems determined to hire me one way or the other. E-mailing other researchers to try to come up with joint research proposals that would fund my position, and even asking me if we should maybe write a proposal together.

I must say, I'm flattered. In my dreams, I had always imagined a position that would allow me to visit home once a year or so. The most recent ideas would involve me being *required* to go home for work at least once a year. I can live with that.

Really, I love, love, love my job. But as I've discovered, there are limits to my loyalty. $11k wasn't enough. But $11k with mandatory trips back home, might be impossible to resist.

Ongoing legal battles

After the judge ruled that F1-1 gets to live with us, his father left. Even though he could have had F1-1 accompany him for the better part of the remaining summer vacation if he had postponed his trip for a couple of weeks. We thought he might even come to negotiate some kind of arrangement, but he hasn't yet. I'm not complaining.

A few weeks after his departure, my attorney received notification that F1-1's father he filed a petition to rehear the case. In essence: "Your Honor. Can you set your previous ruling aside, so that we can start from scratch?" It was a little scary while we were waiting, but the judge responded in short order: "No."

It's unclear where we go from here. The order specifically said that both parents had to attend negotiations in person, but it did not specify in what time frame negotiations had to be completed. At what point do we stop waiting?

Meanwhile, I dread the day that I get the bill for legal service. Mind you, my attorney was amazing, and we got everything we could have possibly asked for on behalf of F1-1, but still. The thousands of dollars this is going to cost will take many years to pay off. I hope that he and his firm partners have patience.

Permission to make a mess

This evening's conversation at the time that F1-3 announces she's done in the bathtub.

Makita: Oh! Look at the mess you made. There is water all over the floor and a huge pile of toys. Why did you do that?

F1-3. I was doing science and that why it's a mess. I was doing science. This is how you do science.

Makita: Oh. Okay.

1-0 for the good guys

I haven't written anything for so long, because my life was focused on the legal battle. That's all I wanted to write about, and of course I couldn't.

Now that it's over (well, not quite, but largely), I can finally write. And guess what?

The good guys won! That is, F1-1 won. Because really, it wasn't between me and his father. I wasn't trying to accomplish what was best for me, I was trying to accomplish what was best for him. Both parties suggested parenting plans to the court, and the judge turned both down. My attorney and I tried to put together a proposal that would give ample time for F1-1 to spend with his father, and the judge ruled that it was too much, that it would require too much travel for F1-1, and therefor be too stressful. In the end the judge ruled exclusively from F1-1's point of view, and not the parents, which was what I didn't dare hope for.

F1-1's father is leaving. Going to another country. Permanently. He had his tickets purchased, his bags packed, and he was going to leave regardless of the court's order. Then he filed a petition with the court less than 2 months before his planned departure, asking the court to change which parent F1-1 lives with, and to take F1-1 with him. No one had any clue ahead of time that this was coming.

It was a painful process. We met in front of the judge. It became clear that I was at an extreme disadvantage without an attorney. It took some doing, but just before we were scheduled to appear before the judge again, I found an attorney willing to take the little bit of cash we had as a retainer. The parties were then referred to mediation. This is where both parties meet with their attorney's (if they have any) and a court-approved mediator to try and sort out the issues. They can reach a partial agreement on some issues, and take the remainder to the court to rule on.

At first it looked like an agreement could be reached if we went on a little longer. But after 8 hours of mediation, things fell apart, and we ended in an impasse. Even the few issues we had sort of reached agreement on in the meantime were at risk.

We gave the opposing party another week to come to some kind of agreement, but it didn't work out, and we had to go to court. It's involved, but it took two days of sitting in court, with witnesses, testimony, cross-examination, and re-direct. It was pure torture. Especially considering the fact that opposing party has the dementor-effect on me, I don't know how I lived to tell this tale.

The court gave a ruling with less than 48 hours to spare. Opposing party was leaving the country with or without F1-1, and was simply waiting for the court's answer. When it came, it was better than I could have hoped for. Apparently, my attempts to be conciliatory were not appreciated, and the court found that I was giving away what wasn't mine to give. That I was allowing F1-1's summer activities to be in jeopardy so he could spend more time with his father, that I was scheduling too much travel for him to be with his father.

The court ruled that no matter what else, F1-1 gets to stay here, were he has lived the vast majority of his life, that he get to participate fully in his favorite sports activities, and that he gets to travel with his friends every summer, and that visitation with his father takes a second seat to that.

It is not entirely over yet. Both parties have been ordered to attend another mediation session in person to decide remaining issues of visitation (keeping in mind the items mentioned above). Opposing party may have to travel back here to attend one of those, because he left as planned, and didn't even postpone his trip. That was a bit of a surprise to me, because if he had, we might have been able to come to some arrangement to allow F1-1 to spend the rest of the summer with him, and he would have been able to do as the court ordered. But he didn't. He left. Very interesting decision on his part. But I'm not complaining.

I can't really provide any more detail, especially since there's still things pending, but I can't begin to express how happy I am. We've won all the major issues, and then some. I was bracing for much, much worse, but it's all good.

Now back to your regular blogging schedule.